Dear Agony Let Me Go!20 Dec, 2013 10:16 PM
To Everyone I Knew,
I don't know what to feel anymore. One minute he's nice, the next he ignores me and acts as if I'm not there. I feel confused and hurt by his actions yet I knew what to expect all along.
It hurts to be the wise one who gives useful advice to others yet the one who cannot benefit from that advice. I am beaten down by those questions which echo in my head, exploding with every heart beat. What do i do now?
I hide away my suicidal thoughts, so no one knows when to expect me gone, dead. I won't tell anyone. If I die, I'll leave alone in silence. It would be better off that way. He wouldn't care though, so I might aswell ignore him back, when he holds my dead hand, I won't reply.
Those screams for help linger in my soul. That soul which is dark and cold. That heart, bruised by the feelings which bashed it around in my chest. That face, damp from tears which trail down leaving scars on my skin. It hurts to be the rejected one, the one who cannot find a world of fragile peace. Yet the one who has to keep a smile on their face and act as if everything's fine. I don't want to hurt anyone by my thoughts, I just want to find a solution. So far it is heading in the direction of the never ending sleep.
I wish I could find someone who would grab those pills away from my hand, take my bleeding wrists and hug me tight. Someone who would whisper in my ear that everything will be fine. Yet the one who i expected to do that has gone and stabbed a knife straight into my heart.
I decided to let him go. But I know that however much i try, he won't be erased from my mind completely. Those burnt memories will stay in my mind. Flashbacks with bother me, tears will fall.
There will be many days when I will wake up at night thinking of him. Then there will be one day where I will wake up to him gone. Or he will wake up to me gone.
If today was my last day I would not regret anything I did or said in my life. Those events were meant to be there to make me stronger and better. But even though I wish I would have said "No" to him and regret ever saying I love him, I still wouldn't change it. He made me stronger, he gave me hope and those happy moments to live by. His smile is the brightest I ever seen, and his eyes as blue as the sky.
I hope that once I die, he will remember me by the things I did. I don't want his hatred towards me to burn endlessly. I did no harm to him and nor will my death.
Just remember that if I die, I want to be remembered for who I am. My story, my past, my personality and my words. May this always remind you of me. If I die then inform those who are close to me, those at Shadows of Mine.
May the fragile world of peace embrace me in sleep which will keep me safe from harm. I love him and I will never forget him. I will wipe those tears when they do fall, I won't regret those things I said.... I won't regret those things I said.