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In the Waiting Process


30 Nov, 2012 10:52 AM

I was six years old when my beautiful baby brother was born. I wasn't an only child anymore and I was ecstatic! My mom was diagnosed with lung and ovarian cancer when he was only six months old. I never understood how dangerous that was back then. My mom would basically live at the hospital. I missed her but my grandma said it would make her better so I never complained. My dad was working two jobs trying to keep up with the hospital bills. When he wasn't working, he was at the hospital with my mom. I rarely ever saw either of them. My grandma would watch over my brother and I. She was old and couldn't do everything that a normal babysitter would. I took on the role. I basically raised my brother alone at the age of six. I changed diapers, put him to sleep, and soothed him when he cried. His second word was directed towards me, “mom”. I loved him more than anything.

My mother survived. He turned three, I turned nine. Like any other nine year old, I wanted to sleep over my friend’s house, I wanted freedom. It was the first time I would be sleeping in any other house but mine. She was sick with pneumonia. I never understood what it was. My parents described it as the flu. They told me not to go but I threw the biggest fight, something unusual. I was never the bratty child but on that day I became one. They let me go.

I caught pneumonia. I passed it onto my brother. On December 2nd I was at school. I remember I was happy at that moment. I got an emergency phone call. My brother had died at 3 ½. My parents never talk about his death, I'm sure they blame me though. I doubt they loved him half as much as I did. I haven't been happy since.

I started drinking. Yes, at the age of almost 10. It never helped. I was depressed. I didn't care about anything anymore. I stopped doing everything I loved, like dancing and reading. I had one friend left. I now know that she was all I needed. I thought about suicide so many damn times but I didn't because of my one and only friend who loved me. I’m 16 now. I’m known around my school, I guess you could say I'm popular. Not like it matters. I’m pretty but nothing special. My grades are amazing. I have tons of “friends”. I party every weekend. I still drink and I also smoke cigarettes when the pain gets really bad. When the memories come back I swallow pills.

I have nightmares, really bad ones that make me scared to even fall asleep. I've seen multiple therapists, I hate them all. The only person who knows my story is my best friend (same one from the past) and a stranger that I confessed to when I was a drunk mess. I don’t want to live. I hate this world and everyone in it. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because of my best friend. I love her too much to hurt her. Once she’s gone then I’ll go too. I don’t talk to my parents even though we live in the same house. We’re strangers. I hate the holiday season. One person knows the real me. I smile and I laugh on the outside but on the inside I just want someone to shoot me. I party and everyone thinks I’m having fun and what not but really I’m just waiting to finish this shot so I can down the next one, in hopes of getting alcohol poison. I miss my brother. I’m a horrible person.

The sad thing is if you met me you would think I was perfect, happy, and fun when in reality I’m just waiting to die, the only thing that can make me happy again.

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holly hill says:
23 Feb, 2013 04:18 PM

dont give up or let go dont fake anything the only way the pain wil stop is if u stop pretending get clean and pray

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Anonymous says:
25 Feb, 2013 03:04 AM

Don't give up! It's not your fault you did everything right

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Sally says:
25 Feb, 2013 08:26 AM

Don't lose hope. Healing takes time. Stay strong :)

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pajabfko says:
28 Feb, 2013 09:53 AM

yeah right don't give up easily....God has a plan for u,maybe not now.just stay strong and keep on praying, u are not alone there are lots of people who was suffered more than that u have,..

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Adam says:
02 Mar, 2013 07:32 PM

Don't give up, you can contact me if you want someone to listen.

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wenzy says:
02 Mar, 2013 09:52 PM

Its nt ur fault man,jst go 2. Therapy or is it counselling nd get beta..God took hm,it wasn't ws hs tym bt be strong ok?

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Isaac says:
07 Mar, 2013 03:25 AM

I know what its like, that one person. Nothing else matters. Nothing. You would give your life for that person without hesitation, to protect that ones life, and to end yours. You would do anything for that person. Screw therapists. They just tell you what you already know. Family is nothing, just the first people who made you hurt. Keep that friend close, mate. Your not a terrible person, your one of the strongest people ever. You're just in a bad situation. Hang in there.

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Ankit says:
08 Apr, 2014 02:31 PM

Hey you sweet girl. Don't be sad, the world is beautiful enjoy the world. God has gifted you a life to enjoy. Your brother had died. I really feel sorry for you. Enjoy your world for your brother only. You are special, please don't be sad. Be happy from your heart. Don't care for others. What you are, you are, you are perfect. Your brother must be so happy that he has got so sweet and loving sister like you. I care for your feelings. Don't die, please for your sweet brother only.

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