My "One That Got Away"26 Nov, 2012 06:38 AM
So, get this. I was sitting around my house, listening to sad songs that any other time would make me cry. Why did I want to cry? Because of the worst mistake I have ever made and how numb I had come to most everything in my life.
Here is my story (perhaps it's not the saddest, but I think that maybe if I just tell someone I'll maybe be able to actually feel something again besides depression, and since I'm too embarrassed about it to tell anyone in public, why not tell people who have no idea who I am, right?) BEWARE: I'm Pouring my heart out right now so it will be long. Don't feel obligated to read it all. But if you do, I hope you learn from my mistake.
So, I've always been a shy person, I'm not the popular kid at school. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends, but I'm not the All-American QB or anything. So I'm going about my life, being the shy guy that I am and I am a fan of the online game, Evony. I have met wonderful people on there but that is beside the point. One day, the people in my group were exchanging Facebook information. I thought, "you know what? Why not. I said I wouldn't but hell, I say a lot of things and do the opposite." So naturally, I gave my info to people, and one person in particular has changed my life forever. It's not exactly THAT person. But she is the reason I met the girl who I had not realized then, but realize now, that I want to be with till I am old and grey.
PART 1: The Good Days
People, when I tell you shes nothing short of amazing, that does not even cover it. She was amazing. It was long-distance but we made it work cause we both fell for each other so hard. She was beautiful, She had the most amazing eyes I had ever seen, we shared so many common interests (besides her apparent love for Lil' Wayne but, I never said she was perfect) and we really hit it off. We became really good friends, and I mean REALLY good friends. We knew everything about each other, we shared everything with each other. If we weren't skyping, we were texting, or chatting on Facebook. Then one day, before we had discussed our feelings for each other, she started dating what I perceived to be a royal jerk. From the things she told me, he was just... not a good guy at all. We would still talk but it wasn't as often. Then one night, when "the love was in the air" and I thought she was gonna start talking to me about "us." She tells me that her and this guy had fooled around (no penetration, not that it mattered) and I about lost it. I tried so hard not to just cry right there, but honestly, my heart hurt. My heart seriously ached at the thought of someone else being with her. The sheer agony that I went through with that conversation was just... it was torture. She apologized, she said that she knew how I felt about her, but truthfully, she had no idea that even back then, I was completely, madly, desperately in love with her. And neither had I until I clicked the hang up button and just sat there and cried, and cried, and cried for 4 hours. I'm pretty sure I lost water weight cause of all the tears that streamed down my cheeks. It was honestly, and to this day, one of the MOST painful experiences of my life (and trust me, I've had plenty of painful experiences) It felt as if she had taken a knife to my heart and stabbed it a thousand times over.
Now, I know you're thinking, where is this good part? Well here it is. 2 Weeks later (roughly, it's been a while since then)she had broken up with the guy and I couldn't tell you how overjoyed I was. But I felt bad for being happy because she (lets call her Rebekah), Rebekah was upset over it. I helped her through it as best I could, I was never good with giving advice or anything, and she got over him. And eventually, me and her talked about our feelings with each other and (after I had a brief stint with a girl, I wanted to get back at Rebekah... petty, I know, but I never claimed to be a good guy) decided that we would no longer see anyone and that we were going out but it wasn't official. We'd do all the things couples did as best as we could given the distance between us. Our love grew stronger by the minute. We had ours ups and downs, believe me, there weren't a lot of downs with her, she was so easy going. Honestly, one of those girls who you could just be yourself, and trust me, me being myself generally turns people away from me. But with her, I could be myself and she loved me the way I was. Our love grew stronger and stronger and I was so happy at that point in my life, nothing ever got me down and people even said that they noticed a change in me. They asked what it was and not wanting to embarrass her (I'm not the easiest on the eyes and she was so beautiful, she could've done so much better then me) I just made up some excuse. The only person who knew of her was my best friend and he thought I was "lame" for having a long-distance relationship (that is, until I hooked him up with Rebekah's best friend who admittedly is beautiful herself but nowhere near Rebekah)and so I just went on with life, happy as ever.
Now... September of 2011 rolled around and things changed... And not for the better, either.
PART 2: MY MISTAKE
If you've made it this far, you're a trooper.
Rebekah started to become depressed. She had no idea why, she just did. I'd tell her I love her and she'd say it back, but it didn't have that warm, bubbly feeling that it used too. I started to worry, "Was she with another guy? Is she starting to realize that she can do better then me? Perhaps she's losing interest in me.." I started to move around at school, people asked what happened to the old me and I told them that I was fine, that I had just matured up a little. It was killing me inside, everyday I would ask her whats wrong and if I could do anything and she'd always give me the same response: "I'm fine babe, just depressed, I don't know why but just don't worry about me. I'll be fine." That answer wasn't good enough for me. To ask me to not worry about her would be like asking me to not breathe. I just can't do it.
For 4 months we continued on like this. There'd be rare occasions where she'd be the Rebekah that I knew and love but those were often short-lived. Then... in December, I had convinced myself through countless sleepless nights and me thinking that what we shared had to be too good to last forever, that she was cheating on me. And her talking of other cute guys and guys hitting on her all the time didn't do anything to ease my mind. Now, don't get this mixed up, I am by no means saying she is in the wrong. What I did was unjustifiable and there was no reason for it, but I digress. I had done the same with a girl on Evony, exchanging of Facebook info, texting, getting to know each other and I was so desperate for the love and attention that I used to get from Rebekah that I started to "talk" with this other girl. Instead of talking to Rebekah about how I felt, I went behind her back and was talking to this girl. And one day, being stupid and foolish decided to make it public on Facebook and of course... Rebekah saw it.
She texted me immediately and with the help of her best friend, went off on me and I deserved it. At the time though, I thought I hadn't and tried defending myself but I knew all along that I was wrong. The pain I knew I caused her ate me up. I cut myself (yes, I know it's stupid. But at the time, I had a problem with coping in an emotionally healthy way.) I didn't eat anything, I barely spoke to people, I was a ghost essentially in school. I stopped playing my guitar which is one of my biggest passions. I stopped being myself cause honestly, Rebekah was such a huge factor in my life that she really was my better half and without her in my life.. I felt everything was meaningless. Me and the other girl talked though, I carried on with her even though I hated our "relationship" She was nothing like Rebekah, no one was. No one made me truly happy, I'd have brief stints of happiness but those were far and few between. Finally, I broke up with the other girl and contemplated talking to Rebekah again.
PART 3- My Current State
Finally I got the "brilliant" idea of faking my being drunk and texting her out of my drunken stupor. Don't worry, she didn't buy it, but I didn't find that out till later. Guys, this girl is truly amazing. I put her through so much heartache and pain and even though she knew I was lying YET AGAIN, she let me back into her life. Little by little of course, but still, she let me back in. Eventually we got back to the best friend status. It wasn't quite what it used to be, but I'll take it. She's dated 3 guys since we've been talking and I pretend I don't have feelings for her but I do, just as strong if not stronger. Each time she tells me a story of her and her boyfriend doing something together, it brings me back to that day on Skype. The pain always reoccurs. But I can at least cope better now. I talk to my best friend about things, and my pastor who's also like my therapist. But it's still just so hard to hear how happy she is, cause everyday I walk outside and am forced to look at people who are in love and just wish that it was me and her,again. But I screwed that up and I can't even be mad at her for not wanting me back, why should she?
I've hit her once, but I know that if I could get a second chance, I'd be the man I used to be and I'd never give up on her. No matter how bad things got. But alas, I don't see that happening anytime soon. But I still stay hopeful cause every now and again, she does things that make me wonder if perhaps... she wants a second chance as well. All I can do is hope and pray and just take each day, step by step.
Apart of me, the hopeful side hopes she finds this and sees how torn apart I am and that she'd realize I was sincere and she would come running back to me like in the movies... But as well all know, Happy endings only happen in movies. That's my story, and I must say, I feel great right now. Its relieving honestly to just get this all off my chest. I hope if you read all this, you learn from my mistake and if you currently have the same problem right now... Go give your girl a kiss and tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky you are.